The Work on Corporate America and Women (read: Me)

I haven’t been a big fan of Byron Katie’s The Work.  I have watched her facilitate for others and have seen it work for them.  However, when I’ve tried it myself it has fallen flat.  I recently heard my friend Roma Zanders facilitate The Work with my friend Jeannette Maw and I felt myself walking through it with Jeannette and not only experiencing big shifts about my beliefs around “being independent,” but also ah-has about the usefulness and application of The Work.

If you’re not familiar, you can visit Byron Katie’s website here and Roma’s website here to learn more about it.  My friend, Susan Cohen is also great at facilitating it for others, if you’re looking for facilitators.  Basically, The Work walks you through challenging limiting core beliefs you carry on any topic you choose and helps you turn them around and see where you are buying into something that is not serving you.  It also can help you begin to play with what it might be like to view things in a more positive light.

With a little help from Roma, I facilitated for myself on some beliefs I’ve been carrying around about the corporate world and myself in juxtaposition with it.  The one I most wanted to bring to the blog for the benefit of my clients has to do with a belief I have been carrying around and banging my drum about.  Here’s the belief:

·         Corporate America treats women unfairly and poorly.

Now, I’m going to share with you the process I went through to facilitate my own turn-around on this belief.  I will share with you the questions that The Work asks and my unedited, written answers.

1.       Is this true?

No.

2.       Can you know it to be true?

No.

3.       Who are you being while you hold on to this belief? 

Defensive, on guard, defeated, repressed, the kind of woman I think will best navigate the boys club unharmed, a quitter, deterred, untapped, quiet, polite, a good girl, a bitch, skeptical, untrusting, ready to attack, a victim, blaming, angry, judgmental, afraid, a little girl afraid to show that she’s grown up, bullied, complaining, living a sell fulfilling prophecy.

4.       Who would you be without this thought/belief?

On fire, on the playground with the other kids, present, confident, adding value, dedicated, steadfast, proactive, empowered, inspired, a woman making a valuable contribution, myself, able to be the love that I am, on a mission, unwavering, fun, in the zone, expanding, credible, the kind of woman I want to be, heard, a positive example and inspiration, an innovator.

5.       Now turn the statement around.  (How can it be turned around to help you see the limit to the belief and the other ways in which you could think about it?)

Corporate America treats women well and treats them fairly.

Women treat Corporate America unfairly and poorly.

Women treat Corporate America fairly and well.

I treat Corporate America poorly and unfairly.

I treat Corporate America well and fairly.

As you can see, it can be a powerful exercise in defining where your core beliefs about a topic can be holding you back or limiting your world view and your engagement with the world.  Where I found the power was in defining who I am being in holding fast to that belief.  Ouch, but an eye-opening and necessary exploration.  In defining who I would be without that belief I see permission to be truer to myself than ever and open to engaging 100% of the working world, because I really do enjoy men as much as I enjoy women, and the converse must also be true.

Who Am I?

Interview inspired by Iyabo Asani:

My friend Iyabo answered this interview on her blog and so am I!

Answer these questions for yourself and see what comes up for you.

If there was one word that would define everything you do, strive for and resonate with, what would that be?

Love. I have come to the realization that everything good in our lives flows out of love, and I flow love to myself and to every other person, situation and thing that I come into contact with, even when I’m in court dealing with indigents who are accused of crimes. I find that flowing love in my coaching practice and in my legal practice, as well as in my interactions everywhere throughout my day creates a more loving experience for me. Even when I see an awful story on the news, I flow love to the subjects. Being love has changed the way I interact with the world and how the world interacts with me.

What is (are) the core feeling(s) that drive(s) everything you do?

Duty, responsibility, love, curiosity, passion.

What are the things you are most proud of from what you’ve accomplished or done so far in life?

I am most proud of stepping out of the place of blame and victimization into my own power to create life the way I want it to be, and to be in a set of professions that helps others to do the same for themselves.

What is your genius, what are your talents?

I am an incredibly sensitive and intuitive person whom others trust with their secrets and feelings. I am creative and innovative. I am a leader. I am up-beat. I am inquisitive, always learning and growing as a human being. I have an ability to help others see things in a way they never did before.

If you were to start your career/business all over again, what would you do differently?

I would have niched my business to a particular target market very early on.

What do you crave?

Knowledge, enlightenment, love, connection, my own structure, nature, chocolate.

What do you want less of in your life?

Student loans.

What annoys you the most?

Someone, including myself, being unheard. Injustice.

If there was one thing you could revolutionize, what would that be?

Women in the workplace/marketplace, how they are seen, valued, rewarded, promoted, and the standards they must live by.

What are the best realizations you had that changed your life?

I am a spiritual being having a physical encounter. Everything I need is already there for me. What I focus on gets bigger.

What do you love?

Children and the way they look at the world with curiosity and wonder about the littlest things and they fear very little. Creativity, art, food prepared with love, nature and the sounds of birds, the way the sun feels on my skin, crickets and frogs making noise at night, the way the leaves turn over just before it rains, snuggling, my sweetie’s eyes, reading a really good book that I can’t put down, how much my parents love each other.

What is the best material gift one can give you and why?

Live plants, flowers, herbs or trees. They will grow and stay with me for a very long time and remind me of the one who gave them to me or the event that I received them for. I can transplant them when I move, most of the time. I can even cook with some of the plants I receive. Flowers attract bumble bees and butterflies that give me a sense of wonder all summer long.

What is your favorite flower and what do you see in it?

Daisies, particularly Gerbera Daisies, any color. They are like little pieces of sunshine. I call them smiles in flower form.

What advice would you give to your 18 year old Self?

Follow your heart and do what you love doing for a living. Listen to yourself because nobody else has the answers for you but you. Tap in to what you love, what you get lost in, and do that every day. Learn the art of self-love and practice it regularly. Listen to your body. Flow love to yourself and to others.

What are you most proud of in your country/people?

Enterprise. In America anyone can be or do anything they put their mind to. I think that may be true in other parts of the world too, but it certainly is true here. I’m also proud of heritage and history. My sense of both make me truly grateful to be here and to have the opportunities I have.

Did you have a job that you hated in the past and if yes, why?

Yes. I am not sure I hated the actual jobs I had, but I know that at the time I hated some of the people I had to deal with, some of the cases I had to deal with, some of the ways I had to do things, and the way I was treated in some scenarios. I am fairly certain that I hated my “job” because I was not in control of my own life, destiny and career – or so I perceived. I felt trapped, doomed, sentenced. I felt terribly shaded from the opportunity to grow and I was unheard. What I had to offer was not tapped. I did not have the systems in place to do my best. I did not have opportunities to grow. I did not have mentors and healthy learning opportunities.

How to Be True to Yourself In the Face of Rejection

 Did you ever find yourself in a situation where it felt like another or a group was asking you to be something different than who you are?  Have you ever been rejected by a person or group and immediately taken it personally and began asking what you could have done differently or how you might change yourself to fit their requirements? 

I sure know I’ve done this in romantic relationships in my life.  You know the routine: 

“What can I do to make it work?”

“I can change.  What do you want me to do so that I’ll be what you want?”

“I know I can do that/be that, just give me another chance, I’ll show you.”

I never realized that I had done it before in my professional life, and I became aware if it for the first time when I gave myself permission to stop that line of thinking and seeking, and instead be true to myself and hold firm in the essence of who I am as a professional and business woman.

In the exploration of an opportunity that seemed perfect for me at the outset, I had a group tell me I was not exactly the right fit for the project they had in mind.  The way they phrased it went to the core of what I am putting out to the world, my professional presence, my brand, who I am being in public, what I am sharing with the world.

In the immediate aftermath of the conversation I felt the urge to know why; what was it about me that they didn’t like?  I began to ask them questions so that I could “grow and learn” from the experience.  I know I’ve become a much better navigator of my life when I realized immediately that those thoughts did not feel good.  I had a sick feeling in the pit of my gut.  I felt like I was going to throw up.  I’ve done enough spiritual development to be keenly aware of my personal GPS.  My gut feelings are a gift.  They tell me when I’m on the right path and when I am getting lost. 

The growth and learning came in that feeling moment where I reached out to some very supportive friends who echoed back to me that I am very good at being the essence of who I am.  I am doing something very right by being exactly who I am every day and letting that shine through as my personal brand in business. 

The wisdom came in the realization that everyone on the planet has the ability and the right to recognize what they want and what they don’t want.  When an employer or a client or a social group or even a lover decides that they have seen in you something that they are not wanting, that is not an invitation for you to alter yourself to the vision of what they are wanting.

Instead, in those moments of what feels like rejection, we are given an opportunity to recognize in those outside ourselves what we are not wanting and to clarify what it is we want. 

In simpler terms, when a client decides you are not their perfect professional, use that to deepen your awareness and clarity about what your perfect client looks like.  When an employer rejects you or fires you or gives the job to someone else, use that to clarify what your perfect employer looks like.  When a lover rejects you, give yourself permission to get even clearer about how you envision your perfect lover. 

I am not saying that healthy human beings can’t take away lessons and make themselves better people through interaction with others in the world.  Sometimes there are lessons that help us to grow and become a better version of ourselves.  However, when you know you’ve been true to yourself and your intentions have been pure, don’t think too hard about how you have to change yourself to be accepted by others.  Instead, give yourself permission to filter who you allow into your narrow focus.

Don’t be tempted to beg for “close enough” to what you are wanting when you have the opportunity to narrow that focus and get clearer about what is a perfect fit for you.